You Cast a Spell on Me
Released: 2015
Director: Tosca Musk
Writer: Rachel Stuhler
Stars: Nikki DeLoach & Ryan McPartlin
Watch it: Tubi
Holiday score: 3
It’s a movie about witches and warlocks set at Halloween and it still feels like it is missing any holiday spirits. Pun intended.
Romance score: 1
The main characters spend about ten minutes together through the whole movie. That might work for some marriages, but not for this movie.
Comedy score: 2
A couple of gags keep this movie from getting a perfect zero.
The Review
Happy Halloween everyone! I’m getting ready for the holi-rom-com season by reviewing a Halloween holi-rom-com. I scoured the internet and found the movie You Cast a Spell on Me from 2015. On IMDB this movie is called A King of Magic. I assume they changed the name to keep it safe from the people who watched it then demanded their money back. I would have asked for my money back, but this movie looks more like a middle-school drama production than a money making venture. Well, I watched it so I guess I’ll review it.
This movie actually came highly recommended by internet movie reviewers. What’s that you say? Who in their right mind pays attention to random movie reviews on the internet? No one, I hope. Movies are art and like all art, their quality is subjective. A perfect example is Hot Frosty. Some people say it’s a trashy abomination and an affront to good cinema. I say, that’s true and I loved it! Something doesn’t need to be perfect, awesome, terrific, or even good to be enjoyed. Some of the worst movies are my favourite. But then some movies are just so awful they should come with a warning. My friends, THIS IS YOUR WARNING!
You Cast a Spell on Me is the story of Matt played by Ryan McPartlin. Matt is a warlock, but dude does not need any magic to charm people. He’s a total smoke show. I’m a straight guy, but when I look at Matt, I don’t question why women find him attractive. And yet, Matt thinks he needs magic to charm people to get what he wants. Maybe he doesn’t realize how handsome he is. I find that hard to believe, any mirror, mirror on the wall would agree that he is the fairest one of all. Maybe he grew into his good looks. Perhaps, but unless that happened in the last 45 minutes, Matt would have known he was attractive by all the girls who giggle when he makes lame jokes. When I make lame jokes, people just roll their eyes as deep as the Grand Canyon. Just like that. I’m so glad you get me.
Whatever the reason, it won’t help Matt because his mom taught him that if he doesn’t marry a witch before his 36th birthday, he’ll lose his powers. Queue sarcastic voice, “Oh no. How horrible. Matt would be left with nothing but his good looks and successful career. What a tragedy.” Retaining magical powers is so important for Matt and his family that they have arranged for him to marry his close friend Lizzy. Lizzy is great, but she’s like a sister to Matt and you can’t marry your sister…unless you’re about to lose your magical powers and then it would be OK to marry a goat or a life-sized cutout of Captain Kirk from Star Trek. Anything to keep from being a mere mortal. You got to do what you got to do. So Matt agrees to marry Lizzy even though neither one of them wants this.
To get his mind off his troubles, Matt goes to a Halloween party where he meets Sara played by Nikki DeLoach. Nikki is a lovely muggle with a healthy respect for witches and all things Halloween. What’s that? I can’t say muggle? Of course I can. I’m a muggle so I’m totally good. Just like I can say Canuck and mormon and honkey. Now there are some words I won’t say like “Maple Leafs fan.” That’s just hurtful.
Anyway, Sara also happens to have a partner who is totally real. He is, he's just a scientist who lives somewhere else, Canada, I think. Sara and Matt spend a completely platonic evening talking and drinking and laughing until the sun comes up. Then before they part ways, they share a romantic kiss. The eveing and kiss is so nice that Sara suggests they leave it at that and never speak again. Matt, I get you. For me, that was a good date. You know, its so sweet for these handsome strangers in committed relationships to share a kiss. Well, the universe didn’t think so and it secretly transferred Matt’s magical powers to Sara. Like a Harry Potter version of Freaky Friday.
Will Matt figure out that he lost his powers? Let’s see, he’s model-level handsome and he only uses his magic to charm people. Yeah, he might not figure it out for a while. Will Sara figure out why she is now able to conjure whatever her heart desires? Why question it, as long as the money and cookies keep appearing. Will Matt and Sara find each other again and figure out what crazy magic is happening between the two of them? Perhaps, but you should not spend your valuable time finding out. Your time would be better spent learning close-up magic so you can perform at kids parties.
What’s my beef with this movie? First off, and I know this will sound a little bougie, but I’ve become accustomed to a certain standard of quality with holi-rom-coms. Sure, holi-rom-coms aren’t the highest level of cinema, but I like them. It’s kind of like fried chicken. Stick with me on this. Let’s say the best movies in the world are that Korean fried chicken place just off main street. It’s crispy and salt and sweet and spicy and delicious and I’d could eat it any time, in fact I’m craving some right now. Holi-rom-coms are usually a little lower quality, but still good. Kind of like KFC. Its salty, but not really crispy. It’s kind of greasy, but in a good way. And you crave it fortnightly and at the holidays. Then let’s go all the way down our list of good fried chicken places, down, down, down until we land at 7-11. The movie You Cast a Spell on Me is like 7-11 fried chicken. It’s soggy because it was air-fried and then left to sit under the heat lamp for hours and hours. It has no seasoning so it just tastes like...chicken. Plain boiled chicken. And you wonder if it is even safe to eat.
So where do we see this disturbing lack of quality? The writing for one. Terrible, boring, awful writing that is just too lame to quote here. And then there are the effects. Sure this is a holi-rom-com so you don’t expect much for effects, but this is a movie about magic, you know, where things appear or glow or float. In this movie, we do see things appear and glow and float and every single time I was distracted by how terrible the effects are. A pen floats in the air and you can practically see the string it is hanging from. A person appears from the after-life and to make them look ethereal, I think they have someone shining a flashlight in their face from under the table. I take back my earlier statement about this being the same quality as a middle school drama production. That comparison is offensive to middle school drama productions everywhere.
Another reason I truly detested this movie was because there was almost zero romance. I didn’t care about Matt and I didn’t care about Sara and I didn’t care if they every got together or figured out their magic. Matt spends more time with Lizzy than he does with Sara. Why would I care if the main characters fall in love if they are never together?
This movie focuses more on how different people deal with gaining and losing magical powers than any romance. For Matt, it was dealing with his loss of magical powers. For Sara, dealing with gaining magical powers. If I wanted to watch a movie about magic with zero romance, I’d finish watching Harry Potter. I only got through about half the series before I quit. Sorry, what’s that? There is romance in Harry Potter? Harry ends up with Ron’s sister!?! Whao, dude, that’s not cool. You got to respect the bro-code. Snape hated the Weasley’s almost as much as he hated Harry, I bet he was pissed off when Harry and Ginny got married. What’s that? I shouldn’t finishing watching Harry Potter? OK.
You Cast a Spell on Me is billed as a holi-rom-com, but it has no romance, no comedy, and very little holiday. Don’t waste your time. Go learn to how to pick someone’s card or make a coin appear from someone's ear. It is more magical and will probably lead to more romance than we get in this movie.
Conclusion
If want a holi-rom-com that has holi or rom or com...you should probably look somewhere else.
If want a low-budget movie about magic with just a hint of romance...then you should watch You Cast a Spell on Me.
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